Who knew?
Who knew I still had a blog?
Note: This is just me talking; to myself mostly. You can stop here.
This school year has brought with it more than I ever knew I could handle. I’m not claiming to be handling it well, but I suppose I’m making progress.
I’ve struggled a lot this year. I’ve struggled with confidence in myself. I’ve doubted my leadership. I’ve doubted my ability to see this year and my goals to fruition. It’s been tough to say the least.
Have I mentioned I passed on what may have been THE opportunity of my lifetime back in July. That doesn’t help.
I have a great group of 32 kiddos. They are all eager to learn. They enjoy seeing me each day and I can’t wait to see them smile each morning. But yet I still struggle.
I love reading, when I get the chance. There are a lot of great thinkers out their blogging, tweeting, and sharing their ideas and learning with others. I could list several dozen, but fear offending the other five or six dozen I will forget to mention. They write. They write well. They have ideas, challenge our thinking, and try to find reason in an unreasonable system and time. How? How do they do that? I can’t make it home without my “box-o-stuff” each night…that sadly sits on our piano (the one I have yet learn to play)…that often goes untouched because it’s so daunting. I can barely remember what I have to get done before tomorrow, let alone perseverate on anything that anyone else might find insightful or worth reading.
I find myself on the grid less and less. Not because I don’t want to be, but because I don’t know how to. Maybe it has something to do with having four kids now. Could be.
No doubt my Klout score is suffering, right?
So there I am. I’m struggling with “making it”. We’re doing a lot in my school this year. But sometimes, with such a prolific edublogosphere, if you’re not sharing and putting it out there, does it really matter on the grander scale of things?
That’s dumb of me to ask. Of course it matters. One day I’ll “make it” but until then I’m good with being this; whatever this may be. “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”
Featured Image — cc licensed flickr photo shared by photosteve101.
Hey Jeremy,
I knew! You are in my reader, so when you post, I see it and you can bet I make time to read. The struggle you articulate here is one I have experienced, and probably will experience again. Come to think of it, I often feel myself close to that point.
Being “off the grid” to attend to family and your students is not a bad thing. You have four children, which is double the number I have. Each of those kiddos only grows up once, so the call to be with them and to exhaust yourself enjoying the moments with them is way more urgent than the call to write a blog post. You have 32 students in your class and each of those kiddos deserves and gets the best of you during the school day. I’m wiped just thinking about it – klout cannot measure the impact you have in their lives.
I think that there is a lot of undue pressure out there to be prolific in writing. We aren’t all in the same position and I think it is helpful to see it as an ebb and flow. I’m equally impressed with those who manage to contribute daily to the blogosphere, but it isn’t my focus right now and I don’t think you should let it stress you out if it isn’t yours either. Be content to know that we (the folks in your PLN) are still here and the conversation is always open.
Take care and know you are doing the right thing.
Shannon
Thank you Shannon for reading
I said a lot of what I did knowing good and well that what I am doing is what I should be doing. I love my job, but I will always love my family more. I really struggle with that because I really love what I get to do.
What I think I see is a lot of great educators with families and other things going on that always seem to have something to share, something to talk about, something worth conversing about–and on top of that, the time to do it.
As for the comment about Klout, that was entirely tongue and cheek.
Thank you again for the comment. I appreciate all of my colleagues (PLN) and their support. It’s good to know that someone is reading
in loving kindness.. and most likely ignorance…
this is silliness…
what is on the grid?
what is making it?
isn’t that what we are seeking to protect our kids from?
so why are we swimming in it… kids pick up on that mindset more than any school math.
your heart is good = you are on the grid = you are making it… no?
let’s model that.. let’s swim in that.
be well man.. as you are.
You are right. It is silliness, and I wrote most of it knowing that. I really love what I do, but my family will always be number one. I have a hard time taking care of myself when my focus is on home and work 99% of the time. For me, writing is something that I love to do (whether I’m good or not; whether it’s read or not). It’s something I do for me. Maybe my issue is that I don’t make time for me. I would honestly rather not, but I guess it would be a healthy thing to do.
And yes, kids pick up on a lot of things. I asked my kids why it took us so long to get going yesterday morning and one responded, “Because you were so grumpy about it.” We all laughed, but he was right.
My response is super-random:
I can relate to how you’re feeling, though not necessarily your experience. I’m missing the full-time classroom gig right now. I’m being under-used. I’m bored. And hopefully in the next two weeks, I’ll be in the classroom full-time (no more part-time/coaching)
In terms of on-grid and off-grid, I go in cycles. I tweeted maybe ten or eleven times in the entire month of November. I wrote only a few blog posts. I spent that time penning a novel that will most likely never be published. It was refreshing and lonely and confusing to be away from “the grid.”
I think God was a genius when he created a tilted earth. We live in cycles. The light is dying. The earth itself feels like it is dying. We see, for a month or two (that’s all I get in the southwest) our mortality, our failures, our humanity and our sense that we can’t do it. It’s a time to hibernate, to reflect, to slow down. Capitalism doesn’t let us do that. Not well, at least. But somewhere in our soul there is a pastoral sense that we need to slow down.
Just the fact that you read this mess made my day John. I enjoy your insight, super-random or not. This half and half gig is wearing on me. I love that I can be in the classroom, be with the kids and enjoy being part of the process. This in turn helps me maintain relevance and credibility when working with staff. That said, it is a killer. I don’t think I’ve gone home this year yet without an arm or box full of work to do. Half the time I don’t do anything because I’m just whipped at the end of the day.
I’m off grid more. As Shannon and you both mentioned, it comes in cycles; an ebb and flow.
It took me until now (several hours after initially reading your comment) to get the capitalism comment. I would throw in there: consumerism. But anyway, we do need to slow down. I remember living on Twitter and will probably be like in the summer time. One day I’ll get to write. One day I might even be as prolific and thoughtful as you and others that I admire.
Cheers.
Jeremy,
The best advice comes from Dory in Finding Nemo. “Just keep swimming.” Sometimes you swim slow, sometimes faster. You swim in different directions, up and down, circles lots of the time. Doesn’t matter.
Who gives a rip about Klout scores? (I know you probably weren’t greatly serious with your Klout comment.) The Klout score with your little ones, wife, and students is most important.
Just write when the moment seems ripe. No one has time to read all the blogs out there anyway. You’re in my reader and I enjoy seeing what goes on in your MacWorld.
I have a whole bag of crap (from my day job and also for the grad class that I teach) that desperately needs my attention, but I’m just not going to touch it tonight. I’m going to grab a brown bottle, and head to the TV, and snuggle up to Hot Wife.
You’re the best man!
Curt
Thanks Curt. The Klout comment was entirely sarcastic…an inside joke more than anything.
But yes, we just have to keep swimming. I have an amazing family. I’m finding that when my focus is on them, I feel better about where I am in life, regardless of how many posts I’ve written or Tweets I put up in a day.
I do, however, feel a need to write. A lot of what I put on my blog isn’t always as finished as I would like. I want to be a writer, but perhaps the time isn’t right for that. One day I suppose.
Thanks for the read and I hope you enjoy(ed) the evening.
Hey Jeremy,
So I’m not the only one? Only in the past few days have I even remembered where the grid was, and I’m not sure I can even remember my WordPress password and Google Reader says I have 500+ posts to read.
Regardless of all that and more, I keep in mind who I do it for; Curt was right about Klout.
I hope that you can rejuvenate over Christmas break and move forward through spring and the growing season. I first came across your blog and Twitter feed about that time last year and I have a feeling that you’ll cycle back to it when the time is right.
All the best,
Jeremy
Christmas will be a good time for me. Sadly I’ve already created a to-do list. Whether I ever get to it is another question.
I hope to do some writing. I have several posts in the pipeline. I just need some time to clear my mind. I love writing and want to do more of it. For now, my family has been a great way to occupy my time.
I appreciate the read and comment. Cheers my friend.